Thoughts.

I feel like lately, I'm more or less trying to figure out who I am. What I have to offer the world. What difference I can make, if any. Is it on a small individual basis or on a larger scale? What do I want? What do I believe? How do I feel, really, when no one else is around? Where is my life going to end up? Am I leading it there or just letting it happen? Here's what I'm gonna do. Holland says lead with your faith, so I'm gonna say what I want. Want to know. Want to happen. Want to want.
  I want to get married. I want someone to come home to. I want someone who helps and encourages me to be and do my best. I want someone to share and make memories with. I want Landon to have someone to call "daddy." I want more babies. I want to be able to be more of a mom and homemaker. But I also want to be a teacher, or a counselor, or a yoga instructor. I want to get fit and skinny. I want to go to the temple. I want to have a calling. I want a husband who can give our family the blessings of the priesthood at a moment's notice. I want someone I can discuss the gospel and our love for it with. I want to affect people. I want to be a more selfless and giving person. I want to be a better friend. I want to take cooking classes and psych classes and history classes and learn to sew better. I want to write more. Read more. Clean up my language. Be a better example. Eat healthier. Cook more. I want to save money. I want to buy a house. And decorate it. And make it mine. I want to be more honest. I want to be more driven. I want to sing in a choir again. I want to learn ASL. I want to simplify and declutter. I want to have a relationship with my Father in Heaven. I want to pray more. I want to be more active with Landon. I want to make stuff. I want to spend more time with my family. I want to stop feeling like I'm waiting for my life to start. Or waiting to be the person I want to be. Or waiting for things to get easier. Guess what? They won't. And you know what else? I can do hard things!
  I'm grateful for Landon. For the pride I feel every day because of him. For the example he is to me. For the greatness inside him. For his health. For his dimples and fat knees and little buns. For his giant heart and sweet spirit. For the bond we share and the tender moments. For every time he calls me "mama" or "mommy". For the way he sings along to the songs I wrote for him. For every silent "I love you" in sign language in the rearview mirror or out the daycare window. For the look on his face when he gets something right or does well. For his love of people and eagerness to make new friends. For the way he looks when he's fast asleep. For the way it makes me feel to hear him speak of sacred things. For the divinity I know lives in him.
  I'm grateful for enough money to get by. Mostly. For a home that's lit and comfortable. For full bellies and smiling faces and good health. For a care that mostly works. For a body that does as well as is expected but that is capable of so much more! For an education. For a job I love. For true friends. For media and entertainment. For passion and beautiful things. For men. For the knowledge of the Gospel. For snail mail. For my very own washer and dryer. For second chances. For seasons and nature and weather and holidays. For music. For words. For bubble baths. For medicines. For knowledge. For love. For family.